How different things are now, not bad, just not usual for me.

 I am so very thankful for all the well wishes and support I received for my birthday. Had a 'group event' at the Trenton Thunder baseball game. I was concerned that I wouldn't meet the minimum of 20 people to be a 'group' but more than double that came!  Have been very overwhelmed by the responses. If everyone whom I reached out to had RSVP'ed it would have been much larger, but it was min-June and there are graduation events and people going away on holiday, so all that was expected. I know some have Saturdays as work days ( I am often in that camp) and one whom I reached out to, and had gotten special accommodations for, just don't do out-of-doors activities because of health issues.  I am overjoyed by the number of people who wanted to celebrate with me, whatever their motovation.

  The overwhelming response blew my budget, and it may take a few weeks of crazy overtime to catch up.

Being alone in the world for so long had brought on the expectation that this is the way that it should and will always be. Last year when I walked into the office on my birthday (well it was the day after, my birthday itself was a 'remote day' for me) there were balloons and cake and very excited people waiting for me. This really blew my mind. It was so very unexpected, and at the time unwelcome, if I am being honest. Were there actually people who gave enough of a thought about me to go out of their way and  spent money to celebrate such a day??? for me????

   My stand-off-ness is a defense choice for me.  Yes, I have been hurt many times and maybe I am a deeply flawed and damaged individual even, but now I am in a tough spot where I have to re-evaluate my relationships to those around me, as mild and casual as they presently are. It is a bit scary actually. But my time may be too short for this to be a concern at this point.

I still haven't heard from either of my children, for my birthday nor Father's Day. This is not unexpected, not unwarranted, but still, it hurts.  


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